


Surface of the Sun

by Enterprisingly



Series: Light Chasers [5]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Deathfic, M/M, Romance, With A Twist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 08:24:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enterprisingly/pseuds/Enterprisingly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock closes his eyes and waits for the end to come.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Surface of the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd. Please let me know if you catch anything!

_"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;_  
 _I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."_

_-The Old Astronomer to His Pupil, Sarah Williams_

* * *

Jim Kirk was born in the light of a dying star. How could he possibly have done anything other than shine twice as brightly as any other being in the universe?

-

In the vastness of space, a star goes supernova. A wormhole opens. George Kirk dies as his wife, Winona, tells him about their newborn son. When the Kelvin collides with the Narada, the explosion burns red and yellow, illuminating the darkness for the briefest of seconds, and in one of the many shuttles that flees from the wreckage, James Tiberius Kirk’s blond hair gleams golden in the light that shines through the window.

Winona sobs and howls- first with grief and later with rage and desperation- clutching her son to her chest and the sound reverberates around the shuttle like a mighty hurricane, and none can fault her, for what pain more devastating could there be than the death of the other half of one’s soul?

Just as he drank in the light from the destruction of the life that he once might have had, so too does Jim absorb his mother’s pain and store it in the center of his soul, where even as a newborn, he is already forming the foundation for an opinion of the universe that will grow as he does and eventually shape him into the man that he will become.

In his childhood, he sparked with violence over the horror of his abrupt abandonment when first his mother and then his brother both left him. In his teenage years he burned with rage on Tarsus IV when Kodos played god at the cost of thousands of innocent lives, and he lashed out with a slow-burning hatred when he returned to Earth as a young adult, only to discover that _nothing_ had changed at all. But through all of that, his light never went out.

When he was twenty-five, Starfleet gave him a place to shine, for the right reasons, and for the first time in his life, Jim blazed with brilliance and hope.

-

At the heart of Jim Kirk’s soul burns a star perpetually on the edge of going supernova. It is fear and bravery, selfish yearning and selfless sacrifice, rage, joy, grief, guilt, duty, and the drive to become greater than any of the people who made him who he is now. He _needs_ to prove to them that he _is_ worth the sacrifices it took to bring him into the universe _and_ to keep him here, and he needs to prove to  _himself_ that he is strong enough to keep any more of the people he has come to love from being taken from him again.

Spock knows this because he has been inside of Jim’s head and has sunk himself into the places that Jim has never let anyone go before. He has spent hours adrift in the nebulous cosmos of Jim’s thoughts, while Jim walked the well-ordered corridors of Spock’s own mind. They are bound to one another in every known way and several that Spock thinks they may have invented between the two of them.

Just like the fact that breathing oxygen keeps him alive, and gravity holds planets in orbit, Jim Kirk is a part of Spock and because it is so, the universe functions as it is meant to.

They know each other’s bodies and minds better than most people ever come to know even their own. They have mapped each other with fingers, lips, and tongues; sought out each and every secret hidden in the invisible language of their bodies that only a dedicated lover can learn to read.

They have fucked each other Jim- so desperate to assert his control over the rest of the world- has let go and placed himself in Spock’s hands, while Spock has pinned him down and thrust into him again and again until they are both fracturing at the edges, coming apart at the seams, falling over the edge completely unafraid. And Jim has returned the favor, learning along the way that if he sinks his teeth into the juncture of Spock's neck and Shoulder, mid-thrust, he can unravel his control lin an instant.

They have also made quiet, sweet love that neither had thought themselves capable of before- though, there is no greater intimacy that they share, than the times when they are joined in both body and mind and all barriers are completely dissolved.

Each time is new and nearly overwhelming and Spock suspects that, no matter how many times it happens, he will never be fully prepared for the experience that is a mind meld with Jim Kirk.

The rush of heat- like the sun over the deserts of Old Vulcan- that accompanies the touch of Jim’s mind is only partially due to the ferocity of his love for Spock, but the majority of it comes from the force of nature that is Jim himself.

Spock is keenly aware that to say it out loud would be to incur ridicule from his Vulcan brethren, but to join his mind with Jim’s is to walk gladly though fire and know that it cannot hurt him.

-

The day that Spock finally loses Jim, all the light goes out in his universe. Not literally, of course, the galaxy spins on and he keeps living just as he had before he met Jim. But all the heat and light, which had already paled in comparison to Jim, are now dim and bleak at best. The slow, onward march of Spock's life is peppered by small glimmers of brightness that flicker and die as quickly as they appear. In time, they barely even register at all.

After a while, Spock realizes that he is just waiting for his own death. The memory of Jim’s voice in his mind is sudden and thunderingly furious and his anger with Spock for doing this to himself is so powerful that Spock is taken completely aback. It is enough of a shock that it knocks him out of the stupor that he has been in since Jim’s passing.

Spock remembers the advice of his older counterpart, and to keep himself from falling into the yawning despair that lurks at the silent end of his bond- where Jim’s warmth and brightness had once been a steady constant- Spock works and teaches, throws himself into research. He travels the galaxy and lives as fully as he can, the way he thinks Jim would have wanted him to.

Decades pass and he watches the Federation make peace with the Klingons and reach an uneasy peace with the Romulans. He sees the Vulcan population begin to recover and New Vulcan begins to flourish. He watches a brand new Enterprise take to the stars with a new captain and a new crew, while the children, grand children, and great grand children of the original crew grow up and grow old, and their ancestors pass on, and still Spock's universe does not end.

Then one day, he wakes up and feels the weariness of his age settle upon him in the way that speaks of a final chapter and the end of a journey. Spock moves slowly out to the front porch of the old Iowa farmhouse that he had shared with Jim for many years after they retired from active duty, and settles himself in a meditative position on the large, flat cushion that is currently getting the most sunlight.

Then he closes his eyes and waits.

-

Spock does not feel his _katra_ slip free from his body, nor does he feel the world grow cold and dark around him as he had often thought that it might, when he died. Instead, he simply feels warmth, old and familiar, that rushes forward to meet him like a wave.

A hand touches his shoulder and there can be no mistaking the being to whom it belongs. Spock’s eyes snap open as he surges to his feet.

He is standing in a starfield that stretches in every direction as far as he can see. Billions of galaxies whirl past him, as if he is traveling at warp nine. And none of that matters, because while they are beautiful and brilliant, in this moment they are but sparks before a bonfire and they could never hope to draw Spock’s attention away from the man standing before him.

“ _Jim._ ” Spock breathes, and Jim laughs with joy and pulls him close.

Jim’s hair- silver the last time he saw it- is gold once more and the lines and scars that his life had left on his face and hands have been smoothed away, leaving him looking as young as he had on the day that Spock looked up and realized he was in love with his Captain. Spock reaches out his own hand, noting that it too has also been washed clean of the wear and tear of time, threads their fingers together and leans in to press his lips to Jim’s. His heart soars at the feeling of the familiar sizzle of their bond flaring to life between them once again.

-

There are no words spoken for a long time, just desperate kisses and roaming hands trying to cover as much ground as possible. They are men, dying of thirst, who have found water once more, and they are helpless to the compulsion to anchor themselves in each other’s presence once more.

“I have been waiting a long time to do that again.” Jim says between desperate kisses.

Spock reluctantly pulls back, frowning. “You have been waiting here for all this time?”

Jim snorts and smirks a little. “Technically, yes. But since we’re not really _here_ , because _here_ isn’t even an actual place- it's crazy complicated and logically impossible, trust me on this one, you're better off not asking… anyway, time is kind of a loose concept for me lately. The point is, _of course_ I waited. I knew you would be here eventually and I wasn’t about to move on without my First Officer. Everyone knows I'm useless without him.” He squeezes Spock’s fingers affectionately.

Spock squeezes back and finally pulls his gaze away from Jim, to look around. A purple and red pinwheel galaxy flies past them. He has encountered many theories about the nature of the afterlife in his time as an explorer and a scholar, but this had definitely not been amongst them. He will not complain, though; to stand together with Jim again, amongst the tilt and whirl of the cosmos… there are far worse fates.

He turns back to Jim. “What now, Captain?”

Jim grins from ear to ear and tugs Spock close once more. “How about we go looking for the next big adventure? I know we both love a good mystery and this is just about as mysterious as it gets. What do you say, Mr. Spock?”

“An excellent suggestion, Sir.” He says and the corners of his lips twitch up.

Jim looks around for a minute or so, squinting into the distance as if searching for something on a distant horizon. Suddenly he straightens and points at something to their left.

"Ride's here." He says and Spock turns to follow his finger.

There is a massive star, brilliant blue and white, racing towards the two of them. Spock raises an eyebrow and Jim takes his hand once more.

"Will you trust me one last time, Spock?"

"Always." Spock replies.

Jim takes off at a run, heading straight for the path of the star and Spock, still holding tight to Jim's hand, keeps pace and feels as if he is flying.

 _I love you, you know._ Jim says through the bond.

_I have always known, t’hy’la. And you should know that you are loved as well._

He feels, more than hears Jim’s delighted laugh and a stream of _lovejoypeacehappyloveyouloveyouloveyou_ pours in through the bond as they race towards the oncoming star.

Spock has loved a man who burns more fiercely than any astral body and been loved in return with intensity unlike anything else in the universe. He has stood on the surface of the sun and reveled in it.

When they collide with the star, Spock feels no fear.

 


End file.
